Why do Women Cheat?

gIn the yester-years, the news that a woman had cheated on her
partner was a scandal of immeasurable magnitude. A woman, once
married, was expected to be faithful to her husband, no matter
what, ‘until death do us part’. The so-called "cheating
gene" was a preserve of men. But that was then.
In one unscientific yet telling poll at womansavers.com, women
were asked if they had ever cheated. Of the 9,400 women who
responded, 49 per cent said they had. Another 26 per cent said
they had had no problem stepping out on their partners if they
knew they could get away with it. That is today’s woman. If
men thought they had Masters degrees on cheating, women have
gone higher up with PHDs.
Miriam has just completed campus and is an intern at a company in
Nairobi. She has a boyfriend with whom she has gone steady, but
she is cheating on him with her boss.
"I am doing it in order to get a permanent job. I cannot be an intern
all my life. It’s nothing personal, it’s a necessity," she
argues.
Blame the husband
Miriam claims that dividing time between her boss and boyfriend is
very hard but she is up to it. She does not care that her boss is
married; after all she has a boyfriend too.
Some women blame their husbands for their decision to cheat. "I
gave my husband everything I had and even quit my job to raise our
five children. I was a good wife who was always waiting to serve
him even when he came home past midnight. I gave him support and
encouraged him when he was low; I was literally his rock. Anything
he needed I provided without second thought; but when I found out
that he was cheating on me, I lost it. to. In revenge, I had an affair
with his closest friend," says a woman who wished to remain
anonymous.
"I initially intended it to be a one time thing just to get even, but
now later I could no longer control it. I, however, have no regrets.
If my husband can cheat on me after everything I did for him, why
shouldn’t I also have fun?"
Negligence
Yu have probably heard that men cheat because of physical
reasons but experts have found out that most women cheat
because of emotional reasons. Even so, it takes more than mere
opportunity to get a woman to slide between someone else’s
sheets.
Naomi James, a counselling psychologist and therapist with Oasis
Africa, says that women will most likely cheat due to emotional
negligence. "Women who feel emotionally neglected by their
spouses are easy targets for affairs. If they find empathy
elsewhere, they go for it. Men look at issues in a rational way while
women are emotionally wired. A careful listening ear will attract a
woman toward another man.
My friend, (let us call her Karen) despised cheating spouses. This
was as a result of her childhood experience. When she was
younger, her father openly cheated on her mother. It got so bad
that sometimes he would even bring a woman home. It hurt her
mother so much, and in extension, her. But life played a dirty trick
on her and she found herself desecrating her marriage of six
years.
"My husband is a very quiet man who rarely talks, and worst of all
he never shows me any affection. When I first met him, his silence
made him seem mysterious, but when one is married, this only
makes a woman lonely and miserable," says Karen.
Karen claims that her husband withdraws from her and their two
children whenever he comes home from work. Children are scared
of him and he only shows her concern when he wants intimacy. All
they talk about is bills and the children. Nothing else.
"I really tried to make it work but whenever I tried to initiate
conversation about anything, he would always shut me down. For
six years I put up with the loneliness."
Then a certain man was transferred to her place of work and
everything changed. "When you have a husband who starves you
emotionally, it becomes very hard to ignore a man who shows you
even a little attention," she says.
Frank would make an effort to talk to her and always wanted to
know her opinion on various issues. He always complimented her
when she changed her hair or made an extra effort to look nice.
With time, she stopped minding that her husband was ignoring her.
Soon, he was doing everything, including dressing to please Frank,
her officemate. Then conversations at the office turned into lunch
together and tea in the evening before heading home.
"What drew me even closer to Frank was the fact that he actually
listened to me. He remembered my birthday and bought me
presents." With that, Karen had no reason to refuse to jump
between the sheets with Frank arguing that he deserved her more
than her husband.
Naomi James cites numerous other reasons women cheat, from
the rational to outright outrageous as follows.
Lack of respect and recognition
Some men take their spouses for granted. They put their wives
down in the presence of others including the children. Women want
to be loved and affirmed. They want to be appreciated especially
on the way they dress and how attractive they are in terms of
their beauty. Once they find someone who respects and
appreciates them, they are trapped.
Self esteem
A woman in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship will
often look for a safe zone outside the marriage. Looking for
comfort and psychological inner healing from someone who shows
concern leads many women into other men’s arms.
Social factors
Some women have no guiding principles or moral values. This result
from poor upbringing where children have watched their parents
cheat on each other thus picking the habit as the normal thing to
do. Blame it on the broken societal norms.
Economic factors
Couples today are always on the move, especially in urban areas.
Some get wealthy but at the expense of their marriages. Men who
are always on business trips or workaholics put their women at a
very high risk of getting into another relationship because they are
not available. The same happens with women who work far from
their spouses, in different towns or countries. Again depending on
the moral values of an individual, some women will cheat on their
husbands for economic gains; looking for financial support that
the man is not able to provide.
The ideal man
Women want to associate with men who portray power, authority
and command respect from people. An irresponsible man, weak in
ideas and one who depends on the woman to lead creates a feeling
of insecurity in her. Women will often involve themselves in extra-
marital relationships in search of the ideal man.
Sexual needs
Some men may not be able to function well sexually due to illness or
because of their lack of knowledge on how to satisfy their
partners. If the couple is not helped on how to cope with the
challenge, women involve themselves in extramarital affairs to
meet this need.
Peer influence
Some women are influenced by their peers; probably bad company
that ruins good character. Naomi James, however, does not end it
at that. She says: "Though an affair always seems like the easy
solution, women should be warned that the consequences are far
greater, the grass is not always greener on the other side."