How To Find “True Love”

I was in Lagos at a youth open forum, and the question was asked, “how do you find true love?”. Given that valentines day just passed, this is probably a question that rests on the heart of many people. While I wont call myself a “love doctor”, I have some of my thoughts on what true love is all about. Before we talk about finding true love, it is imperative that we define what love really is.

Is love really that feeling that you feel, when you feel a way you’ve never felt before? Very possible, but I have met many people who have felt this special “feeling”. They couldn’t keep their hands off each other, and they were the sweetest of love birds that one could imagine. They had such great chemistry that it made people feel inadequate in their own expression of love to their significant other. However in a few months, they faced challenges that this “feeling” couldn’t help overcome. Then the former love birds became archenemies. They began to antagonize each other, and the things that they “loved” most about each other suddenly became irrelevant.

So is love really that feeling described? Our feelings are so subjective that we really need to ask ourselves if we are willing to place the judgment of a long term relationship on something so fickle. Feelings change all the time. As the name suggests, our feelings are dependent on what we feel (sensory perception) at the moment.

If we place our definition of love in the hands of feelings, then we are constantly looking for the other person to do things that make us feel loved. Then what happens when we stop feeling loved by the actions of our significant other, does that suggest to us that he or she does not love us any longer?

We have bought into a pop culture lie of what true love really is. We spend so much time watching television and reading magazines that sell a one sided image of love that only appeals to the feelings. Then when the relationship faces challenges, the common option becomes the easy thing to do, which is to walk out. Hey…there are bigger fishes in the ocean right? But this is wrong!

What then is true love? Having been in relationships myself, I have learned over time that love is simply a commitment we make, and most times it is a sacrificial one. Sacrificial commitment here excludes physical, mental or emotionally abusive relationship. Nothing justifies spousal abuse in my opinion. Ladies, you are so precious and powerful, that any guy who has the privilege of dating you must treat you like a queen.

Finding true love starts with finding the right person. Talking to the ladies specifically, I wrote on my blog on five things to help you identify a real man. Guys can also read this so they know what to work on. Some people believed the post was idealistic, but I don’t think so. It was written more from the perspective of potential and willingness to grow into what I define as a real man.

At this point, one may wrongfully surmise that I believe our feelings have no role to play in love. But I argue that while our feelings have a role to play, they are not to be given priority in finding true love. I do agree that when you meet someone there must be some chemistry. As guys, without mincing my words, you must like what you see. But most importantly, you must honestly ask yourself the question of if they possess fundamental qualities that are necessary for a healthy relationship.

When you meet someone, you’re not hung up on him being tall, handsome, lives in a highbrow neighborhood etc. Rather, look out to see if he respects you. Does he respect the people in your life? Does he have a vision for the future? Is he responsible and caring? Does he work hard to bring to reality this vision?

The reason why I do not place much value on the physical (don’t get me wrong, I won’t ignore it totally) is because physical attributes change over time. I’ve seen ladies who were less than appealing to the eye 10 years ago transformed to have the hottest looks. In like manner, I’ve seen ladies who were the most beautiful in a season become anything short of an eye candy. The point is that your little “frog”, if with the right fundamental qualities, may turn out to be your prince charming, it might require more than one kiss though.

When you’ve found this person with the qualities needed to develop a healthy relationship. He or she has strengths that compliment your weaknesses. You have good chemistry with each other. What next? You both don’t know for sure what the future holds for you. Could this be your true love? Yes! How do I know? Because true love begins at the point we make a commitment to stick it through with the one we have professed love for.

I met a couple who had been married for almost a decade, and the wife told me that she didn’t have much feelings for her husband when they started dating. He certainly didn’t meet the criteria for looks that she had, but she thought him to be a decent, respectable and responsible guy. She told me that her plan was to give the relationship a try, but the guy said he wasn’t “trying”, that once he gets into it, he is in it for good! Almost 10 years later, she says she can’t imagine life without him, he is her best friend, and her true love.

Your chemistry may not be the best, but you can consciously work on it until you both develop a flow that works. You may not have the emotional high you imagined, but you can both learn what makes the other person tick, and commit yourself to making each other feel loved. You learn each others vision, hopes and aspirations, and you commit to aiding their success and development towards the goals.

True love is not really something you find, but it is what you grow into as a couple. It’s a commitment to remain faithful in love to each other. Regardless of the hiccups that meet you along the way, your resolve to overcome it as a team. With each problem you overcome, your bond gets stronger. As you do this you build your friendship.  Be sure to communicate in each others love language, devoting yourself to making each other feel loved always.

Now do you think you’ve found your true love?